This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
