If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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