she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
