Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
