Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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