The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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