tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
