just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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