Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
