I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
