I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
