You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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