Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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