so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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