Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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