I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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