dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
