i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
