I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize