im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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