Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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