If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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