it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize