I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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