Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
