Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
