u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
