so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
