If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
