That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
