I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
