Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
