My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
