i'm signing you up for texting rehab
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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