The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
