Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
