either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
