Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
