Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
