Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
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It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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