I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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