i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
