Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
