That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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