i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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