Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
