We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
