Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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