Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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