So drunk its hurt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
