OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
