Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
