Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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