I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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