I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
