Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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